“You need to learn to say NO.”
That’s what my friend told me in a text exchange as I was describing everything I have going right now.
I can’t argue with that.
I’ve never been very good at using that N word (to be clear, I don’t use the other one at all).
I know—cognitively—why it’s important to say NO.
I know I can’t do everything.
I know that my time and energy are finite commodities and that every YES requires NO to something else.
I know that there are some things that I’m really not good at and saying NO actually is a gift to the person making the request. It allows them to find someone who will do a much better job than I.
I know that saying YES and then doing it poorly is much worse than saying NO.
I know that saying YES and then doing it grudgingly is much worse than saying NO.
I kNOw all of that!
Here’s my problem: people that I really like keep asking me to do stuff.
Maybe if I just didn’t like people so much …
I guess that’s probably not the best solution.
It’s so much easier to say NO to people I don’t like.
I confess that I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately and much of that overwhelm is because I seem to have misplaced my NO button.
I won’t bore you with all the things I’ve said YES to. That’s not relevant for today’s discussion. The point is that I am at a place in life where I am precisely as busy as I choose to be. I have the power to say NO. I just fail to exercise that power far too often.
And I’m one of those guys who talks and writes about healthy rhythms. I coach pastors and leaders on developing those healthy rhythms, for crying out loud!
I kNOw better!
Can I get an amen out there? Does anyone else have this experience? Anyone else feeling overwhelmed or—at the very least—out of balance right now?
If so, I’m going to ask you (and me) a few clarifying questions to help us recalculate our current trajectory.
Do you have a hard time saying NO because you’re trying to prove your worth and value by busyness?
Do you have a hard time saying NO because you’re trying to earn respect and admiration through productivity?
Do you have a hard time saying NO because you want people to like you?
Do you have a hard time saying NO because you’re afraid people will stop asking?
Do you have a hard time saying NO because it feels so good to be needed?
Do you have a hard time saying NO because saying YES makes you feel like a hero?
Dadgum! I’ve stepped all over my own toes!
May I share a secret with you?
Read this slowly:
- You. Are. Loved.
- You. Are. Seen.
- You. Are. Valued.
- You. Are. Amazing.
Our YES should flow out of our sense of value, identity, purpose, and calling; it should not be an attempt to gain or earn any of those.
I don’t know if you needed to hear that today, but I did.
Be amazing today, my friend.
